Sugar House in Review: Coffee bar crawl

Graphic by Angie Merkley

A fourth of my life has been dedicated to being a beverage servant to all the basic bitches in the valley. It’s made me a conceited snob when it comes to ordering coffee, and I still shiver at the words “caramel macchiato.” So, I decided to continue my bar crawl from last time, but keep it restricted to coffee bars in the local area. Note: I did not put Coffee Garden (where I currently slave) on this list, so I don’t show favoritism. Because it is obviously the best and would win at everything.

Here are the results:

1.) Sugar House Coffee

This is the go-to for good, quick and healthy food when it comes to coffee shops. Sugar House Coffee has a great variety of delicious food with many options for those with certain dietary needs. Also, whenever I’m feeling sick, I visit to pick up a large Ninja Cold Fighter juice.

I will say, though, all these items I mentioned are fairly pricy. The juice costs over $6 and stuffed croissants are $5.

Now, my snootiness definitely kicks in when it comes to the coffee. Every now and then I get a barista who knows what he or she is doing. Yet, one time I ordered a soy mocha, and what I got was a mug with a mountain of foam spilling over. The barista screamed, “I AM A FOAM WIZARD.”

I stared at him and thought, “Honey, that’s not something to be proud of.”

2.) Griff’s Roost

I actually wrote an entire article about the campus coffee shop, but it was deemed too harsh for publication.

That being said, I’ll keep this brief so as not to insult anyone. The Guatemalan drip coffee is amazing, and they need to brew it more. If you ask for anything with flavor in it, I recommend asking for it half-sweet. The donuts are okay, and Corby is life.

3.) Beans & Brews

This was the first of the four coffee shops I worked at. Unfortunately, that means I know all the disgusting, moldy secrets of the organization. Always, always, always be a snob when you order. Your stomach will thank me.

This means asking the workers to make your mochas fresh and not from the bubbler that has been swirling around old milk for the last four days.

Same goes for the lemonade. We once used the same pitcher of the stuff for over a month before feeling the need to dump it due to its revolting scent.

I really like their pastries, though. If you ask if they have any spoils, you might get a bag full of week-old baked goods, if you’re into that.

4.) Starbucks

I know this is barista heresy. But if you order your drink right, Starbucks makes a mean latte. The one thing I can say of this corporate beast is they are consistent. I never have to keep a wary eye out for a crappy barista, because I know every drink will taste the same.

In the words of one my snobby former coworkers: Starbucks employees aren’t baristas, they’re machine operators.

It’s harsh, but not wrong. The stores contain high-tech machinery that measures, tamps and pulls the espresso automatically, so each shot is flawless and tastes the same. The steam wands create perfect microfoam for drinks and reaches a temperature that won’t scald the milk to ashes.

It’s also cool that the ‘bucks offers scholarships to its employees. I also know someone is going to complain when they read this and say that people in the Amazon are suffering because of their practices, but who isn’t killing the rainforest these days?

5.) Angie’s house

My number one recommendation for coffee is to buy a milk foamer and French press––maybe even an espresso machine if you’ve got the cash. Making your own drinks will save so much money, and you know it will taste good because no one will admit they suck at creating something as pretentious as a macchiato.